Random Post #6

In the end… it’s all about looks. If you’re ugly, no one gives a damn what happens to you. Your existence doesn’t matter. That’s just how people are. And I’m tired of being a part of it… especially since I’m on the ugly side. Add my shitty personality to that… and poof! You have a poor excuse of a human being.

Disclaimer: No offense to anyone. This is solely about me. I’m a self-centered person, after all.

If only you knew…

I’m fine. Or at least I tell myself that I am. I am still in control. I think. Or maybe not…

Most days I live feeling emotionally numb. It’s as if every emotion is nothing but a dull echo from a distant place – you know what you’re supposed to feel right at that moment, but really you feel nothing at all. It’s nice and all to be devoid of emotion. Nothing matters. Nothing can hurt you. It’s refreshing, the nothing feeling. However, it leaves you feeling empty. And you start to question the purpose of being alive when there’s nothing to live for… after all nothing matters.

Most of the time I’m fine… but other times I’m not. I don’t care what happens anymore but a part of me still does. I want to die but I can’t bring myself to kill myself. I want to do this but at the same time I’d rather not. I’m always being torn by these contradictory emotions. My head starts to hurt. My brain won’t shut up. One thought after another come barging in, making me feel anxious and jumpy. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed slowly, my breathing becoming erratic. I can feel my sanity slowly slipping away…

Everyone’s moving forward… while here I am, stuck in this place, stagnant, no improvement. Just the same old loser I was yesterday. You would definitely tell me to get up and stop being a loser, pick yourself up and get yourself together, do something, find meaning in your life, don’t give up, you can do it, it will get better.. and all kinds of encouraging things. So I do. But at the end of the day, no matter how hard I try, the feeling of emptiness and hopelessness just won’t go away. Then soon you’ll get tired of me like everyone else who have tried to help me. I’m starting to get tired of myself too so I can’t possibly blame you for giving up on me.

I know I’m on my own. That only I can help myself. But tell me, how do I do that? I have been trying, so hard, to give life another chance, every single time. But at the end of the day, I still have these thoughts inside my head. I have no idea what to do with my life. I have nothing I want to do. I just want it to end. Is it so wrong to want to die?

You probably think I’m not doing anything about it. You don’t know how much of a struggle it is everyday to try to get up and hope for better days, only to be disappointed over and over again; monsters inside your head telling you what a failure you are. I’m trying every single day. So don’t blame me for wanting to give up and just leave it all behind… call me a coward, a loser, an idiot or whatever… but sometimes enough is enough. I’m coping with life the way I know how…

If I end up choosing to die at some point, I’m really sorry. Don’t blame yourself for my choice. No one else could have saved me. It’s all on me. That’s how it’s always been. From beginning until the end. I don’t think anything or anyone could ever change that.

To that one person I know I can never have…

During my first day of work, I don’t think I even noticed you. Then again, my observation skills were never that good in the first place.

The first time you spoke to me… I can no longer recall. Though I could vaguely remember it involved you discussing work. (Well, duh?!) You taught me a lot of stuff – mostly life hacks on how to get through the day,  like how to pass the time when there’s nothing better to do or where to find all kinds of fun stuff in our work computers. We talked about movies and shared our childhood experiences. You always checked in on me when it looked like I was out of it. So… where is this post going… hmmm… I’m not sure either. I guess I’m just trying to figure out at which point I started growing attached to you.

Of course I would never admit to you that I like you. It’s not really the I-want-you-to-be-my-boyfriend kind of like since I know you already have someone special in your life and I can tell that you are happy with her… and I want nothing but happiness for you. It’s just that if I were to have someone special in my life, I want it to be someone like you. 

I just can’t help but admire the way you are able to speak out your mind and how well you are able to handle all kinds of people. I admire the fact that you care so much for your family and your friends. I like you for being you and I like the fact that I can easily talk to you. I admire the fact that you’re hardworking and seem to know what you want to do with life. I also admire the fact that you’re into sports and are an outgoing person because that is something that I am not. So… I was really happy during that last night that I was able to speak with you from the bottom of my heart. That I was able to wish you happiness in your next endeavors. I’m also glad that you showed some concern towards me even as just a friend. It didn’t make my heart skip a beat but it surely made me happy. I know I’ll never be special to you but to me you will always have a special place in my heart.

So, thank you, thank you for letting me experience this kind of ‘love’ that does not involve heartache. I am truly glad that I met you. I hope there will come a time that I will be able to find someone as special as you in my life. Once again, thank you and lots of happiness to you. 

Tale of the Trapped Girl #2

She sat there inside her cage. She was bound in chains so she couldn’t go anywhere. All she could do was wait… even though she knew deep down that the only one who could save her was herself. The truth was the chains weren’t locked. The same goes for the cage too… but she believed that she was stuck there. As time passed by she grew to like this familiar little world she had been living in her entire life. It became her home, her sanctuary, her comfort zone. She didn’t mind being alone. She was used to it. After all, how can you possibly miss something you never had?

One day, she found out the truth about her world… that she wasn’t really trapped in there that she could go out if she wanted to. She knew there were so many things out there that she had yet to experience. All she had to do was unshackle the chains and get out of her cage. However, she couldn’t bring herself to do so. She was scared… scared that people might reject her because she was strange, she was scared of getting attached to people only to be left behind in the end. The enormity of the world scared her… that’s why she continued to stay in her little cage. She was fine with how things were. She was fine… but deep down she knew she wasn’t. She knew she had to change… and so little by little she did…

Story of my Life

“When you’re at a low moment in your life and you still have to interact with your surroundings, it’s quite tiresome isn’t it? You’re having such a rough time and yet everyone else seems to be having fun. Since they look like they’re having fun, you don’t want to ruin it by crying or saying something sad by mistake. Even though it’s not their fault if we’re in different situations, you can’t help but be angry, you unintentionally become jealous of them, and when you realize it, you feel pathetic. Then you worry about how pathetic you are and want to redeem yourself but then you gradually end up distancing yourself from everyone and wind up alone. Then once you’re alone and can’t reach out to those who were around you, you realize you should have said those simple words back then. You can’t help but think you would like to have someone to complain and discuss troubles with. In the end you just want to be saved by someone.”

– ReLIFE #162 –

The Truth

Words. Why do you always escape me when I need you most? You’re the only ones who can make sense of this mess inside my head… but still you fail me like everything else.

That’s not really true. In the end, it all comes back to me. I am the failure. I am the mess. I am the broken one that cannot be fixed. That’s just how it is.

Random Post #4

Here it is, that feeling again. I hate it. I feel trapped. I want to run faraway but there’s no place to go. I don’t know what I want. I feel lost. I have nowhere to go, no place I want to go to. So here I am thinking, wishing that I could just disappear for good, that way I won’t have to feel this way. I hate it, this feeling.

Everyone’s trying hard but here I am giving up without trying. Why? Why can’t I be like them? Why do I lack the motivation to live the way they do? Why can I not make myself care and appreciate all the good things in life? Why do I want to die so bad when everyone chooses life above everything else? Why? All I can do is ask myself these questions over and over again but still, there’s no answer.

Seriously, what is wrong with me? I am alive but I have no desire to live. I am empty, unfeeling, uncaring… really what’s the point of living when you’re dead inside?

Tale of the Trapped Girl

She wanted death more than anything in the world. Whenever things did not turn out well, she found comfort in the thought of death. It was unknown territory so she could think of it as an escape from her otherwise dark and empty world. The thought of everything coming to an end one day gave her a peace of mind. It was the one thing that kept her together and helped her get through the day. What made her live was her desire to die. Ironic isn’t it?

The truth is she wanted to write about good things. She wanted to see and live life the way other people do. She wanted to cherish every living moment. However, they were nothing but fleeting moments. Despite all the good times, at the end of the day, she found herself back in her dark little corner… wishing, praying for the day that she did not have to see another day. She did not want to kill herself. She never could even if she wanted to. She wanted to disappear, to vanish, to not exist. She did not know the reason why. She just had no desire to go on living an empty life. No matter what she did, she desired nothing. She found living pointless for she had no goal, no desires apart from death and being free from day to day life.

Living for the sake of dying and shrouded in darkness for far too long, she had forgotten how to feel what it was like to be basked in light. She shied away from it. It was foreign to her. People’s kindness made her feel uncomfortable because she could not reciprocate the gesture. She didn’t know how to. She was too afraid to share what was really on her mind because she knew it would elicit nothing but disapproving glances. She did not want that kind of attention. She hated herself enough as it is, she didn’t need more from others. That’s why, she tried to act the way others normally do. However, she was never good at playing pretend. They all knew she was faking it. Her expressions always gave it away. She had built a wall around herself and everyone could see it. They tried to breach it but they never could. She would not let them. She did not want them to. In the end no one knew who she truly was.  She was a stranger even to herself.

Once in a while, when she travels further into the depths of her consciousness, she could see a girl bound in chains and locked up in a cage. She recognized her immediately. It was her. But, she could not open the cage nor remove the chains. To this day, she looks at the girl in that pitiful state, unable to do anything. She continues to stay there, waiting to be saved even though she knew that the only one who could save her was herself.

Anticlimactic

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted to write stories but no matter how hard she tried she never could. Words escaped her and somehow she just couldn’t come up with something to write on. She knew far too little about the world to be able to write about it. She needed to go out there and experience life’s wonders to be able to write. But she didn’t.

The End.